The Funeral, And So Much More

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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Today was my Aunt’s funeral.  Last night neither my dad nor I got any sleep.  Our wounds are still so fresh, and the relationship between Mother and her sister was very special.  My Aunt used to always call my Mother, but when Mother couldn’t really talk anymore, she started calling my dad.  After Mother passed, my Aunt called him every day until she was physically unable.   Another loss for my dad, so soon.  He was very fragile today, but he put on a really good face.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t pull it off.  It was so much pain coming at me from so many directions.  It brought out the grief of my mother, my grief over my Aunt, the pain seeing Uncle Howard now alone, and the pain for my dad. 

My oldest daughter is lying to my grandchildren about what is happening in my marriage.  She tells them I am staying with my Dad to take care of him.  I need her to tell them the truth and let them ease into it.  I can’t stand the pretending and I don’t want to lie to my grandkids.  I tried to talk to her about it because she came to the funeral.  I thought she was there to support me…I was wrong.  I am so angry at her that I don’t know how I will ever get over this.  I am afraid to be around the kids because if they ask me a question, and I answer honestly (but within boundaries), she will get furious because that will out her lies.  She has lied to those kids about so many things.  It is going to come back around and bite her in the ass, and the kids are the ones who are going to suffer for it.

All my family knows about my pending divorce and of course too many had to bring it up…trying to be thoughtful I guess.  And I didn’t have my husband there to lean against, to hold me, to comfort me.  I missed him so bad, and it’s making me cry because I still miss him terribly.  I don’t want my old life back.  I want my husband to love me, to want me, to beg me to forgive him and climb mountains to get me back.  But, it won’t happen.  I have the thread of hope, but I need to let it go.  He is unwilling and/or incapable of doing that. 

I have to remind myself that today, rather this week, has been very rough.  It won’t always be like this, and I won’t miss him so bad, and it will get easier.  This is just that perpetual roller-coaster of emotions.  The low days, can be very low….but there have been good days, and there will be more and more of them.

I am getting so much better at taking care of me.  My counselor wants me to focus on taking care of me.  I have spent too much time, emotion, and energy on others.   It damaged my marriage, it damaged my relationships, and it damaged me.  Unfortunately, I didn’t see it in time, and he didn’t speak up and say he wasn’t happy, so I forgive myself.  I tried to rectify it and save my marriage.  That didn’t happen.  So no, I am setting boundaries and taking care of myself first.  Then my Dad and the dogs.  Everyone else comes after that, and only if it’s something I want to do.

So much piled on in a short time, so many losses, but I will keep my balance.  Life can be good.