OMG, it's been a Year & 3 Months!

So, where should I be by now?  Should I have recovered from this relationship and moved on?  I probably should have fired my counselor a long time ago because I think she was too judgemental and didn't make me WANT to go to counseling.  Maybe I needed a male counselor.  Or mabye I needed on who was more assertive.  One who would help me focus on my goals rather than my feelings.  I'm sick of feeling.  That's one this she did know and accurately describe about me.  I feel deeply be it good or bad.  When I love, I love deeply.  I want so much now to have a loving man beside me in bed who will roll over and pull me to him.  To make me FEEL loved.  Please God, let me have someone come into my life and give me just love.  I don't think I ask for too much from a relationship, but the purpose of a relationship is just that, right?  To love & be loved?  To have companionship?   To KNOW that you have someone you can cout on?

I don't know where to start, but I have to start looking for love because that is the person I am.  Tim doesn't want to love me.   He wants me to find some other man to love me.  I think that is the hardest reality in my life that I have ever had to deal with.  However, I'm better at accepting it now that I have been.  I will never be glad that Tim abandoned me.  There is nothing that will ever make it ok that we are not in love and treating each other with the most loving kindness, and learning to be in love again.  I have no choice.  I never got to even have a chance at trying.

Time stop because it hurts too much and I'm crying.

It's been a long year

I know now that there is no hope for Tim and I to ever recover our marriage or our love.  He is completely incapable of trying.  He's a runner.  I should have know it.  He abandoned his daughter, then the guilt and dread of dealing with all the stress that would go along with reconnecting again with her made his abandonment drag on for years.  I know that I pushed him to see her.  I only did so because it seemed that is what he wanted me to do.  I don't know if it was the right thing for him to do or for me to do.

I have always tried to do too much.  I want to help everyone and take care of things.  I'm getting better at it.

Now, it's time I stop sitting around the house, procrastinating getting my life in gear.  I hate doing paperwork with a passion.  I know it's because of the never ending divorce papers that said such cruel things.  I don't know how to ever understand why Tim needed to treat me so cruelly.  He treated me as his enemy.  This man that I adored and loved, thought was in love with me and would protect me and be my companion.  The man I had care for and intended to do so the rest of my life.  But all of a sudden on March 4, 2011 he pulled that rug out from under me, and became someone I had only had glimpses of.

I have always known he had a vindictive side.  I always saw, but did a good job of ignoring his passive aggressive ways.  He was very controlling.  He thinks I was.  I have had therapy for a year, and I have learned one important thing about that relationship.  I too easily accepted the blame that he projected on me.  When he did something wrong to me, he was too proud (insecure) to apologize in a way that would ever make me feel better.

It's the same now.  I will get along with him.  But I will carry with me a very deep wound because he never gave me a sincere and king apology.

I didn't do him wrong.  He did this.  I am not going to let myself feel like "if I only would have...."  He wanted me to feel that way so he could shift the blame.  It worked.  And it still nags at me, but I will overcome it.

I don't know how long I can stand to live in this house.  I feel like I am in a cave.  I can't see out the front, and it doesn't feel like home.  I truly miss my home.  Not the size of the house or any amenities, but the fact that it was my home.  This is still just my parents house, and I am living here until I can find a place to live that works for my life and my dogs.

I'm doing better in all aspects of my life, but I'm still a work in progress.  I need to find someone to go out with so we can meet new people and make new friends.

I've learned I can't just have whatever I want without consequences.  I want to go back to DC.  I thrived there, and I miss it horribly.  However, my children and grandchildren are here and I don't want to lose the close connection we have built.

I want to stop feeling like "everything is happening to me" and just live a life.  Maybe in the morning I will feel like getting the papers filed, and some minor cleaning done.  Do a little yard work, and figure out what to do about the patio.  I really need the inheritance to pay for someone to come and finish it professionally.  Mike has the baby is is just too tired after work.

I was a ping pong ball

I had a decent counseling session last Saturday.  Then things started snowballing. I let things snowball.

My Dad was not doing well in the hospital and I felt that he was continuing to get worse, and might die soon.  I had received more divorce paperwork that I had to work on.  Stuff at work had really bothered me, I felt disrespected and possibly being targeted to make me look bad.  I don't know if I was told the truth that Mike was on Meth.  And was beginning to believe the person who told me was lying.

I wasn't taking care of myself.  I was thinking too much about the past and the future.  I didn't want a divorce.  I didn't know why we had to get a divorce.  He will not tell me.  And subconsciously I might have been afraid that I would be alone.

So I had a counseling session on Tuesday, and was already crying.  It was primarily because I didn't want a divorce.  She really helped me through it.  She explained that if one person quits, there is nothing the other one can do.  That really sunk in.  Then she said that I deserve to be treated better.  That Tim was playing with my emotions.  He was, but I had allowed it.  Now I know that I cannot and will not let that happen again.

Learning to live differently is a slow process, and I occasionally take a step back, but I feel like I am making progress.

I have allowed people to treat me disrespectfully or abusively.  I am not going to tolerate it anymore, by anyone.

After the counseling session on Tuesday, I have been so much better!  I am happy.  I am not letting others choices bother me.  If they have issues, then they have to work through them.  Those issues are not my fault. 

I am choosing to be happy.  I am choosing to live in the moment.  I have lots of things that need to be "done", but I decided to go shopping for clothes after I visited Dad tonight.  It was tiring, but it was "taking care of myself"  I deserve and need new clothes.  I've lost 40 pounds!  It's not been easy, and I have about 16 pounds to go.

I am going to drink more water and less caffeine, I'm going to make good food choices, I am going to take time for myself, and take care of myself FIRST.  It's not selfish.  I cannot be in a good relationship or bring good to the relationship without making sure I am taking care of my basic needs

I've Made A Commitment To Myself

My marriage is over.  I have to accept that.  I have made a commitment to not read any text or emails from Tim, or take any of his calls.

This will help me move forward in life.  I have to focus on my short term goals, and then my long term goals.  I have felt that I didn't have control of my own life.  Now, I know that to have control over my life, I have to put myself and my needs first.  That doesn't mean that no one elses needs or wants are not important, but that I will only do what I really want to do.

The spinal pain has made my stress and emotions bad.  My stress/emotions have made my pain worse.  I will work hard on my physical therapy and reducing the stress in my life.

The Funeral, And So Much More

[Enter Post Title Here]

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Today was my Aunt’s funeral.  Last night neither my dad nor I got any sleep.  Our wounds are still so fresh, and the relationship between Mother and her sister was very special.  My Aunt used to always call my Mother, but when Mother couldn’t really talk anymore, she started calling my dad.  After Mother passed, my Aunt called him every day until she was physically unable.   Another loss for my dad, so soon.  He was very fragile today, but he put on a really good face.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t pull it off.  It was so much pain coming at me from so many directions.  It brought out the grief of my mother, my grief over my Aunt, the pain seeing Uncle Howard now alone, and the pain for my dad. 

My oldest daughter is lying to my grandchildren about what is happening in my marriage.  She tells them I am staying with my Dad to take care of him.  I need her to tell them the truth and let them ease into it.  I can’t stand the pretending and I don’t want to lie to my grandkids.  I tried to talk to her about it because she came to the funeral.  I thought she was there to support me…I was wrong.  I am so angry at her that I don’t know how I will ever get over this.  I am afraid to be around the kids because if they ask me a question, and I answer honestly (but within boundaries), she will get furious because that will out her lies.  She has lied to those kids about so many things.  It is going to come back around and bite her in the ass, and the kids are the ones who are going to suffer for it.

All my family knows about my pending divorce and of course too many had to bring it up…trying to be thoughtful I guess.  And I didn’t have my husband there to lean against, to hold me, to comfort me.  I missed him so bad, and it’s making me cry because I still miss him terribly.  I don’t want my old life back.  I want my husband to love me, to want me, to beg me to forgive him and climb mountains to get me back.  But, it won’t happen.  I have the thread of hope, but I need to let it go.  He is unwilling and/or incapable of doing that. 

I have to remind myself that today, rather this week, has been very rough.  It won’t always be like this, and I won’t miss him so bad, and it will get easier.  This is just that perpetual roller-coaster of emotions.  The low days, can be very low….but there have been good days, and there will be more and more of them.

I am getting so much better at taking care of me.  My counselor wants me to focus on taking care of me.  I have spent too much time, emotion, and energy on others.   It damaged my marriage, it damaged my relationships, and it damaged me.  Unfortunately, I didn’t see it in time, and he didn’t speak up and say he wasn’t happy, so I forgive myself.  I tried to rectify it and save my marriage.  That didn’t happen.  So no, I am setting boundaries and taking care of myself first.  Then my Dad and the dogs.  Everyone else comes after that, and only if it’s something I want to do.

So much piled on in a short time, so many losses, but I will keep my balance.  Life can be good.





Take It All

Another song from Adele that I had been listening to for quite a while.


http://youtu.be/dCZDMsaFpMI

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