The Emotions Bounce Fast and Furious

I intend to get some background, etc. to bring everyone up to date on what happened, when, why, how, etc.  But....

In the beginning of this crisis I bounced back and forth between some extreme emotions that were quite conflicting.  As time went by, finally the bouncing was not so fast and painful, and making me crazy; it started slowing, and then it became less frequent.  When my emotions bounced, the "wrong" emotion or upsetting emotion was, did not last as long. 

I'll explain this later, but the bouncing reminded me of something I want to suggest and explain how I am using it to relieve mental and physical stress

I guess you could compare it to many amusement park rides, but it wasn't amusing.

Yesterday, I bounced the wrong way.  I let myself be manipulated.  I recognized it at the time, and should not have let it happen and CONTINUE the entire day (8:30am - 11:30pm).  I have learned from it.  I understand why I allowed myself to be manipulated.  I loved him for so many years, and it doesn't just go away.  There has been a period recently, where I didn't feel any love for him.  In fact, I would have to say that I would have more concern for a friend than him.  But, then of course, it's not something that goes away instantly and never slips back.  Sometimes just a little and other times, it's powerful.  When the powerful feelings hit....oh boy, is that a rough time.  The emotions I feel during those times is anxiety, fear, guilt, and a whole range of emotions...that don’t' feel good!

Fortunately, today I had my weekly counseling session.  I explained what had happened yesterday, short story of all the drama, and told her that I feel guilty for letting myself be manipulated.  I feel guilty for letting myself feel/care/love him.  She said that we had been together for about 19 years.  Those feelings don't go away that fast.  Then she told me she was glad (or relieved?) that I recognized that I was being manipulated.  She said something else, but the gist of it was that I had taken a step backward.  The good thing was that I knew it, and she didn't have to tell me.  So, I'd say that means I didn't take too many steps backward, and I can learn from this experience, and know how I am going to handle it if it happens again (and I'm sure it will - more on that later).