It's been a long year

I know now that there is no hope for Tim and I to ever recover our marriage or our love.  He is completely incapable of trying.  He's a runner.  I should have know it.  He abandoned his daughter, then the guilt and dread of dealing with all the stress that would go along with reconnecting again with her made his abandonment drag on for years.  I know that I pushed him to see her.  I only did so because it seemed that is what he wanted me to do.  I don't know if it was the right thing for him to do or for me to do.

I have always tried to do too much.  I want to help everyone and take care of things.  I'm getting better at it.

Now, it's time I stop sitting around the house, procrastinating getting my life in gear.  I hate doing paperwork with a passion.  I know it's because of the never ending divorce papers that said such cruel things.  I don't know how to ever understand why Tim needed to treat me so cruelly.  He treated me as his enemy.  This man that I adored and loved, thought was in love with me and would protect me and be my companion.  The man I had care for and intended to do so the rest of my life.  But all of a sudden on March 4, 2011 he pulled that rug out from under me, and became someone I had only had glimpses of.

I have always known he had a vindictive side.  I always saw, but did a good job of ignoring his passive aggressive ways.  He was very controlling.  He thinks I was.  I have had therapy for a year, and I have learned one important thing about that relationship.  I too easily accepted the blame that he projected on me.  When he did something wrong to me, he was too proud (insecure) to apologize in a way that would ever make me feel better.

It's the same now.  I will get along with him.  But I will carry with me a very deep wound because he never gave me a sincere and king apology.

I didn't do him wrong.  He did this.  I am not going to let myself feel like "if I only would have...."  He wanted me to feel that way so he could shift the blame.  It worked.  And it still nags at me, but I will overcome it.

I don't know how long I can stand to live in this house.  I feel like I am in a cave.  I can't see out the front, and it doesn't feel like home.  I truly miss my home.  Not the size of the house or any amenities, but the fact that it was my home.  This is still just my parents house, and I am living here until I can find a place to live that works for my life and my dogs.

I'm doing better in all aspects of my life, but I'm still a work in progress.  I need to find someone to go out with so we can meet new people and make new friends.

I've learned I can't just have whatever I want without consequences.  I want to go back to DC.  I thrived there, and I miss it horribly.  However, my children and grandchildren are here and I don't want to lose the close connection we have built.

I want to stop feeling like "everything is happening to me" and just live a life.  Maybe in the morning I will feel like getting the papers filed, and some minor cleaning done.  Do a little yard work, and figure out what to do about the patio.  I really need the inheritance to pay for someone to come and finish it professionally.  Mike has the baby is is just too tired after work.